John was a well known fiddle player and overall musician. Like our grandfather George Friel Buchanan, he is on the Oklahoma Fiddlers Hall of Fame wall. It's now been 35 years since you died, yesterday. I prefer to forget that day of the year but I never seem to be able to. You are my only sibling and it's really hard at times because I see others with brothers or sisters sharing their news, lives and families. We don't have that option due to your choice in leaving this earth. I wish that you had chosen differently and I blamed myself for over 20 years punishing myself when I finally realized that it wasn't my doing, it was all yours. I talked you out of suicide twice and since I was not there for you the final time, I held myself accountable for your actions. Realizing that I was doing no one any good, I forgave myself and have finally found what peace I can have. I pray for your soul and forgive you, but I will never forget the Hell that you put us all through. Although Momma suffered from TIA's mini-stroke, memory loss, I was finally able to get her to comprehend what I was telling her, 10 months before she died. I told her that you took the chicken way out of life and that I promised myself not to live the rest of my life in grief because of you. She went home to OK that Jan of 2002, found scissors, cut up your drivers license from 1976-78, your obituary, your death certificate among other papers pertaining to you. She finally had peace and released you. I was so proud of her. Then she picked up the phone and Actually Dialed my number. She hadn't been able to dial a phone for several years. She was free finally. Dad called me later and said, "I don't know what you said to your Momma but this is what she did!" We were both so amazed. She didn't know anyone but Dad at that point, I was "that Lady" who would not let her go home, or go see the "Man with the Beautiful Blue Eyes". My reason for writing this in it is my hope that anyone who has suffered this type of loss realizes that you cannot and should not keep it a hidden family secret, talk about it and live on! I will Love you forever and will see you in Heaven because I know that the Lord would not send people to Hell for the choice as such that you made. Rest in Peace my dear brother John.